World Spins Madly On
by suitcaseofmemories
Summary: Severus is reminded of how he and Lily parted ways and he still can't let go. Ficlet. AU. Ignores Snape's memories in book 7.


**Author's Notes:** Ficlet. AU. Character's aren't mine. Inspired by 'World Spins Madly On' by The Weepies.

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**World Spins Madly On**

The whole world was moving but he was standing still. That was what it felt like. He was still fifteen, even more than twenty years later. He was still in love with Lily and he was still regretting that he had ever uttered that disgusting insult.

He wished he could take it back. He wished he could've been less of an idiot. He had grown up with her; he had grown to love her as they had become older. Where had it begun? Where had his idiocy begun? But no, he hadn't been an idiot. Idiots didn't know what they were doing. Gryffindors were idiots. But he, Severus, he had grown up in the snakes den thinking about everything that he said. Slytherins didn't do or say anything without thinking it through. He had been raised to think before acting, to always keep a clear head.

So why had he called Lily a mudblood? Why had he done it? It had been so many years since that incident but he still couldn't help but wonder. He _had_ known what he was saying. He _had_ deliberately called her that name and he _had_ intentionally hurt her. He just didn't know why. He hadn't known back then and he didn't know now. Maybe it had been because he was simply so mad at the whole world.

_The moment he said it, he wanted to die. He shouldn't have done it. He shouldn't have even thought it. He was mad. He was mad at Potter and Black for doing this to him, he was mad at Lupin for not doing anything when he was a prefect, he was mad at himself for getting in their way again. He was not mad at Lily. It was just… she was there and she helped him like she always did, but by now he should be able to defend himself. He loved her as a friend, he was in love with her though she would never know of this, but her idea of helping him had humiliated him even further. And then he said that disgraceful thing to her. She wasn't a mudblood, not to him. She was heaven and earth and everything in between. But she wasn't a lesser kind of witch. The opposite, really. Lily was brilliant and intelligent and he wished she hadn't been sorted in Gryffindor. Ravenclaw would have been great. Merlin, she could've even been a Slytherin. But no, she had to be Gryffindor and she had to defend him like this when he was already embarrassed and furious and hurt._

_Oh, he knew that she hadn't meant to do him any harm by standing up to the mighty Potter. No, she had only meant to be a friend. And he had fucked up royally. Her act of kindness had hurt him even more and in his rage against himself he had lashed out and hurt __her__. He had hurt the one person that dared to be his friend and he didn't know how to make it okay again._

He had tried to make it up to her. He had. But his fall from grace had been deeper than anyone could've assumed. No. Lily had known him to be a person who spoke his mind and she had taken his insult like anything else that he said; she had taken it for the truth.

"_Lily, listen to me! I'm sorry!" They were still partners in Potions but something had changed. She didn't talk to him anymore unless it involved the potion they were making. It had been a week and he had tried everything he could think of. He had followed her to the library, he had waited for her after classes, he had even followed her to the girls bathroom on the second floor once and waited there for her, but she refused to even look at him. It was as though he didn't exist anymore. Oh, throughout the years he had been at the other end of her wand enough times to lose count but this was different. She wasn't just mad at him and being a stubborn redhead about it. She was severing their ties. Sometimes he caught he__r sneaking glances at him from the other end of the room; they were filled with disappointment and hurt. He didn't know how he could ever make it right again. But he would try._

He had tried and failed. It had taken weeks until she had at least heard him out but even then she had been set to never forgive him.

_He had known that he wouldn't gain her forgiveness before he even began to explain himself. She looked stern and indifferent, a sure sign that she would hear him out because it was the polite thing to do. She didn't want to forgive him. If only she know how he felt. If only she knew what it meant to be Severus Snape._

"_Lily, I am sorry. I am so sorry. I never should have said that." He wanted to take her hands to make her feel that he was still her friend. He wanted to make her look him in the eyes so she could see that he spoke the truth. He wanted to kiss her so badly to show her that nothing had changed except that he was in love with her. He wished he could let her inside his mind. If only she could see how living with the Slytherins and having a muggle-born girl as his best friend was like. She didn't understand. She never would unless she tried to see it, and she wasn't trying. He could see it in her face. She had already said goodbye to her best friend, he was only some student now that she had to listen to because of the kind soul she was. It was too late for Severus._

After that stupid incident Lily had kept away from him. They partnered up in Potions until the end of the year and from sixth year on they went their separate ways without speaking a word to each other. Oh, he had tried to apologise time and again. He had written her a letter, he had come to her house in the summer holidays, he had yelled after her…

"_Lily! Would you please listen to me! I said I'm sorry a hundred times already! I never meant to say what I said! You have to believe me, Lily. Please, believe me." He was on the verge of crying and Severus hadn't cried for years. But this… her rejection, her stubborn grip on indifference… it made him want to cry until he couldn't shed another tear. She had been his best friend and now she wasn't. He made __one__ mistake but she didn't even give him a chance to redeem himself. She had chosen to sever their friendship and wouldn't go back on that._

'_That's why the hat put her in Gryffindor. Because she's stubborn and impulsive and does whatever she thinks is the right thing to do,' he thought. It made sense. Only that he wished it didn't. He didn't want it to make sense if it meant he could never have her back._

_He must've looked wrecked; he was kneeling on the dirty ground, __begging__ her to accept his apology. But he would do anything for her. Anything. She must've seen the devastation in his eyes, because for once she didn't leave him in silence._

"_You have to mean it, Severus." And with that she walked away._

_He was baffled. He __did__ mean it. He wouldn't be grovelling on the ground for her if he didn't mean it. He wouldn't… he wouldn't apologise in the first place if he didn't mean it and he was sure Lily knew that. He couldn't believe it. How could she cast him aside so quickly?_

"_Lily! Come back! Lily, I mean what I said!" he yelled after her but she kept on walking. "Lily, I love you and I'm sorry and I miss you and I want you back as my best friend and I'm in love with you and I wish I had never called you that name and…" and he didn't know what to say anymore. She couldn't hear him anymore, she was too far away, she was gone. From his life._

… and then they hadn't talked another word until two years later when he had made an even worse mistake.

_Dumbledore had sent him to fetch Evans. That was the only reason why he was even near the Head Girl's room. He hadn't talked to Lil- Evans! for almost two years and they had both changed. She was now with that Potter __and he had chosen his master. He knocked and when she opened the door he quickly relayed to her what Dumbledore had said to him and then he turned around and stalked away._

_When he heard her reply, he was out of sight already. He voice wasn't much louder than a whisper but he got her message._

"_Thank you. And I'm sorry. I heard what you said that day and I am sorry. I accept your apology."_

_Resigned he closed his eyes. He was sorry, too. He had been sorry for two years. They had chosen their respective paths and there was no turning back now. Being sorry changed nothing._

Sometimes he had blamed everything on Lily. He had told himself that it was Lily's fault. He wouldn't have joined the Death Eaters if it hadn't been for her rejection and he wouldn't have ultimately been the one to sentence her to death either. Sometimes he was sure that it was all Lily's fault.

Most of the time he knew that he had dug his own grave way back in fifth year. Just associating with those in his house that called other people mudbloods had driven him towards the path he had taken. Had he not spent time with them, he wouldn't have had to use appropriate vocabulary in their presence and he never would've insulted Lily that way. It was his own fault in many ways. Oh, Lily had a lot to do with it, but ultimately it was his own fault and nobody but Severus was to blame.

He knew that now. He had known it back in fifth year already, although he hadn't had a clue of what his insult would set in motion. He had fucked everything up and the world spun on when all he wanted was for it to stop.


End file.
